Song of the Day:
Broken Strings by James Morrison
Broken Strings by James Morrison
Friday, July 31, 2009
Policewoman
"I don't mean this in a bad way... but I don't think you would be a good policewoman."
-Mom, 8:59 p.m.
Alainuh
V-chatting with Alaina = awesomeface. (:
c.
Broken Strings
I edited my blog... isn't the new layout pretty? (:
More later probably. Last night, in case you couldn't tell, was beyond frustrating.
c.
So.. I tried embedding the video to Broken Strings by James Morrison but it won't work.
Here's the link: go listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Nv3aPcv6dg
More later probably. Last night, in case you couldn't tell, was beyond frustrating.
c.
So.. I tried embedding the video to Broken Strings by James Morrison but it won't work.
Here's the link: go listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Nv3aPcv6dg
Curse Words
I am about to throw something at a wall.
Duck and cover.
c.
Duck and cover.
c.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Worddump
Mood: stressed and worried
Music: Only Human - Jason Mraz
Want: a text/call
Need: a job/money
Everything has been fine up until last night. Being down in San Antonio was so good - it was a break from sitting at home and heart pains. It was the first time I'd spent with Adam and Erin extensively since last summer and I realized how much I missed them. Even though it'll probably be a while before I see them again, I already can't wait until we get to spend time together again. Then being in DC was also a lot of fun... even though there were a few bumps in the road, I hadn't seen Tori since Christmas and I've missed her a ton too. I suppose that's a short synopsis of the past week and a half...
I want to be in South Carolina/North Carolina right now. I need to be.
I'm leaving for Playa del Carmen this weekend... I don't want to go. I just wanna be back at Elon now. I want to hang out with Alaina and Bhriel and see Jack and not feel like I need to spend money. I want I want I want.
And my best friend is still sick. I wish she would get better. I forget how much she means to me sometimes... but she's the greatest person I know.
So You Think You Can Dance made me angry last week...
I don't think Jack did anything wrong... and I wish he could call me, instead of trying to deal with things on his own.
I want to go to see Jason Mraz/Blink 182 in concert... and I can't wait to see Where the Wild Things Are and Alice in Wonderland.
Packing to go back to Elon is going to suck.
I want to be rich and classy now and to have the pretty house in Charleston and not worry about all of this money stuff. And to have the kitten room. <3
I want to get my kitten now because I want someone to snuggle with...
...there is a dump from my thoughts. I can't... be organized until the stress I'm feeling and the hurt in my heart (literal, not emotional.. like sharp stinging pains) goes away. More organization later... I think.
c.
Music: Only Human - Jason Mraz
Want: a text/call
Need: a job/money
Everything has been fine up until last night. Being down in San Antonio was so good - it was a break from sitting at home and heart pains. It was the first time I'd spent with Adam and Erin extensively since last summer and I realized how much I missed them. Even though it'll probably be a while before I see them again, I already can't wait until we get to spend time together again. Then being in DC was also a lot of fun... even though there were a few bumps in the road, I hadn't seen Tori since Christmas and I've missed her a ton too. I suppose that's a short synopsis of the past week and a half...
I want to be in South Carolina/North Carolina right now. I need to be.
I'm leaving for Playa del Carmen this weekend... I don't want to go. I just wanna be back at Elon now. I want to hang out with Alaina and Bhriel and see Jack and not feel like I need to spend money. I want I want I want.
And my best friend is still sick. I wish she would get better. I forget how much she means to me sometimes... but she's the greatest person I know.
So You Think You Can Dance made me angry last week...
I don't think Jack did anything wrong... and I wish he could call me, instead of trying to deal with things on his own.
I want to go to see Jason Mraz/Blink 182 in concert... and I can't wait to see Where the Wild Things Are and Alice in Wonderland.
Packing to go back to Elon is going to suck.
I want to be rich and classy now and to have the pretty house in Charleston and not worry about all of this money stuff. And to have the kitten room. <3
I want to get my kitten now because I want someone to snuggle with...
...there is a dump from my thoughts. I can't... be organized until the stress I'm feeling and the hurt in my heart (literal, not emotional.. like sharp stinging pains) goes away. More organization later... I think.
c.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
SA
In San Antonio with Adam and Erin.
Had... a ridiculously fun day yesterday.
What's in store today?
c.
Had... a ridiculously fun day yesterday.
What's in store today?
c.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Packed
Finally packed for San Antonio tomorrow. Even packing for two days is a whole ordeal for me... I need to learn how to pack better.
On the phone with Jack and therefore can't type well. But to sum it up.. I'm excited for tomorrow. (: I'll give a full recounting when I get back.
c.
On the phone with Jack and therefore can't type well. But to sum it up.. I'm excited for tomorrow. (: I'll give a full recounting when I get back.
c.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Details
Details in the Fabric. Jason Mraz. Love.
I go to San Antonio tomorrow. (: I'm excited to see two friends I haven't seen in a reeallyyy long time. Missing a boy... 2 1/2 hours on the phone at night isn't enough.
Also... everyone needs to go see 500 Days of Summer. I saw it with a group of my favorite people ever and it was so wonderful. So hilarious and so perfect.
c.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Things
Yes I know I've sucked lately at writing. And I have no excuse. My life hasn't been busy enough to warrant "not enough time" as an excuse as to why I haven't been keeping up with this thing. Probably just my mind has been too active to sit still and write out my thoughts which is unusual for me, because that's my escape, that's my release. Usually.
Things I've learned about myself lately:
1. I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of being forgotten.
2. I like being in my car by myself. But not for really long periods of time.
3. The way I've practiced "forgive and forget" is never going to be understood by a lot of people.
4. I act a lot less emotional lately, but I'm also crying at books and movies a lot.
5. I really, really like when people call me "C" for some reason.
6. I miss my Elon friends a lot more than I thought I would. And Elon. In general.
7. I worry my mother a lot more than I think I do.
8. Though it's bad for me, I forget lately that I haven't actually eaten anything.
9. Nonetheless, I've gained 6 pounds since I got home from camp. Only 7 more to go before I reach my goal weight. (: This is to say... I know what to eat to make myself gain HEALTHY weight.
10. I am not going to do well going back to a twin bed in the fall.
11. I think I would be a lot prettier if I wasn't this small.
12. The desire to be cuddled with takes over me a lot of the time.
13. I don't drink as much as I used to. And by that I just mean water... I don't have the desire to consume liquids like water and milk as much as normal. (Dehydrationlove)
14. I would rather be able to dance than to have any other talent, ever.
15. Apparently everyone thinks either Jack or I were kicked out of camp and that's why we left? I can give you guys the full explanation if you want. I promise. Neither of us was kicked out. I had to leave and Jack left to take care of me. Ask for the story if you need it.
Things I've done lately:
1. Discovered the small window in my room can open. And that people can fit through it.
2. Sat in line for four hours with my favorites before watching Harry Potter. It was a perfect day/night. (:
3. Gone to the rodeo with Kyndal A LOT.
4. Drove out to Huawni with Whitney and Claire and saw all of my loves again. Then, decided eleven o clock was the perfect time to drive back home. And didn't get in until four in the morning. At that point, sleep seemed ludicrous to me. So I stayed up and talked to Jeff and Adam via facebook chat.
5. Watched Jeff roll his own cigarettes?
6. Never missed an episode of So You Think You Can Dance.
7. Ihop. Three in the morning. Medora and Beebs.
8. Went to the lake with Megan and the Bowdon family and surrogates and had a "stranded in the middle of the lake five miles from home" adventure.
9. Snowconessnowconessnowcones.
10. Worked on the idea for my tattoo... it's going to rock.
11. Worked at the Bowdons and made money to hang out at my best friend's place (and clean, bah).
12. Met an old friend for lunch and been able to catch up.
13. Worked on watching all of Gossip Girl seasons one and two so my friends won't abandon me this next year.
14. Looked forward to my three upcoming fabulous trips. (:
15. Been trapped inside my own head and needed to get out... missed you.
A more introspective post is coming soon. I need to move past the ridiculousness that was last night before I can be serious again. And then I will tell you what I've really been thinking. I love you..
c.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
againdamnit
even though i'm sad a little right now i'm going to do things RIGHT this time. i'm a big girl and i need to stop being selfish and wanting what i'm wanting and not compromising for whats actually better for me all the time. i can be happy without having everything i want.
in other news... hayley and i are making cloaks tomorrow for the nine of us to where to harry potter. we're all losers and i effing LOVE IT.
more when i'm not falling asleep.
c.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Musings
5 a.m. musings.
What would I use to remind myself of who I was? This involves the lumberjacks... elaborate more later.
My heart pounding in my chest faster than normal, every day since April, is a blessing in disguise. It's still beating, which is always a blessing. It's a sign of life, one that should be cherished and adored. I hate that I hate it. I hate that it's also a reminder of sickness and disease and that it's forced me to and from things I want.
Jack half asleep next to me, mind in a far different place from mine, we argue less than we ever have and know how to fix things. I hope this plays out well and isn't just a side effect of living in the same house and seeing each other all hours of the day for over a month now. I'm hoping we're not just forcing ourselves to be happy spending time with one another. He leaves tomorrow. I won't see him for a month and a half. I hate it more than anything. I'm not used to not seeing him for that long. I know he'll hate it and be frustrated if I'm mopey and sad tomorrow. I know he'll hate it when I cry. I still am pretty sure I will. I'm trying to decide whether or not I'll force myself to be less emotional on the outside.
Confused, memories of the past floating in and out of my consciousness, mixed between a desire for attention and an overactive mind, analyzing, thinking, feeling all the different things going on around me. Some of these memories used to make me sad. Now they make me nostalgic. Maybe I'm wondering how things might have played out differently or if I hadn't said or done certain things or branched out or left behind certain people or defied certain expectations or doubted or changed or bettered myself. But I like memories. I like that I had those times and experiences. And I like where I am in life right now. I just don't like where I am in my head a lot of times.
How can I convince my mom to let me move back to Elon early? There are many reasons why I want those two weeks before classes start. A lot of them are Bhriel, Alaina, and of course, Jack.
As usual, as of late, do I really want this tattoo? It's going to hurt... it will be there forever... what will my dad say... will people understand the expansive meaning behind it... will they see that its such a perfect representation of me and my life like I do... will it hurt me in the long run... what are the long term effects... and most importantly, am I overanalyzing everything?
I wanna be at camp. Simple as that. I will never forgive myself for not handling things differently. It still makes me cry to think about it. Even though I know it was the best decision in the long run.
How do I love everyone around me? Do I love everyone around me? How can I show that? I want to be honest about it. I don't want to force myself to love without a heart that's really inclined to love. What exactly is love? Do I even have a clear understanding of what that means?
Everything makes so much more sense when I right it out. Wow.
Lastly, I need to use my new camera more.
Jack's awake. Someone to talk to.