What would I use to remind myself of who I was? This involves the lumberjacks... elaborate more later.

My heart pounding in my chest faster than normal, every day since April, is a blessing in disguise. It's still beating, which is always a blessing. It's a sign of life, one that should be cherished and adored. I hate that I hate it. I hate that it's also a reminder of sickness and disease and that it's forced me to and from things I want.

Jack half asleep next to me, mind in a far different place from mine, we argue less than we ever have and know how to fix things. I hope this plays out well and isn't just a side effect of living in the same house and seeing each other all hours of the day for over a month now. I'm hoping we're not just forcing ourselves to be happy spending time with one another. He leaves tomorrow. I won't see him for a month and a half. I hate it more than anything. I'm not used to not seeing him for that long. I know he'll hate it and be frustrated if I'm mopey and sad tomorrow. I know he'll hate it when I cry. I still am pretty sure I will. I'm trying to decide whether or not I'll force myself to be less emotional on the outside.

Confused, memories of the past floating in and out of my consciousness, mixed between a desire for attention and an overactive mind, analyzing, thinking, feeling all the different things going on around me. Some of these memories used to make me sad. Now they make me nostalgic. Maybe I'm wondering how things might have played out differently or if I hadn't said or done certain things or branched out or left behind certain people or defied certain expectations or doubted or changed or bettered myself. But I like memories. I like that I had those times and experiences. And I like where I am in life right now. I just don't like where I am in my head a lot of times.

How can I convince my mom to let me move back to Elon early? There are many reasons why I want those two weeks before classes start. A lot of them are Bhriel, Alaina, and of course, Jack.

As usual, as of late, do I really want this tattoo? It's going to hurt... it will be there forever... what will my dad say... will people understand the expansive meaning behind it... will they see that its such a perfect representation of me and my life like I do... will it hurt me in the long run... what are the long term effects... and most importantly, am I overanalyzing everything?

I wanna be at camp. Simple as that. I will never forgive myself for not handling things differently. It still makes me cry to think about it. Even though I know it was the best decision in the long run.

How do I love everyone around me? Do I love everyone around me? How can I show that? I want to be honest about it. I don't want to force myself to love without a heart that's really inclined to love. What exactly is love? Do I even have a clear understanding of what that means?

Everything makes so much more sense when I right it out. Wow.

Lastly, I need to use my new camera more.